Jerry Seinfeld is without doubt one of the icons of comedy, with his quirky stand up comedy and offshoot television show
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
"If you read history, many of the three-name people do become assassins," ... "Mark David Chapman. And you know, James Earl Ray. So that's my concern"
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?"
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.